You know what really hooks people into a blog? Posting only every four to six weeks, and being fucking depressing. Those two qualities, my friends my friends, will bring them flocking to your site like lemmings to a cliff (which is apparently a myth, by the by). Learn these and 99 other blogging secrets in my new book, due out this fall...
In keeping with the above advice, I've studiously avoided this site entirely since my last post. That was cathartic though, that last one. It even got me and the ex talking again. It seemed like we might even patch things up, but I pushed her away again, because I'm a huge bag of dicks. At least this time, it seems to have been much more successful. She no longer feels sorry for my stupid ass; she just (quite appropriately) hates my guts.
That's probably for the best, I suppose. My head is as jumbled and screwy as ever. Since that last post, I've managed to push away 3 other people to the point that they've almost given up talking to me, and attempted a 4th. At this rate, I'll be good and alone by this time next year - all according to plan.
Oooookay, that was a bit of a self-indulgent pity party, wasn't it? Moving on...
On a more serious note, I am feeling quite like shit. The way I just explained it to my sister is that I feel like Bruce Banner (or David Banner in the 70s series) about to turn into The Hulk - so full of rage and uncontrollable feelings that I'm going to burst through my own skin.
But then it never happens. I stay me, on the floor, impotently rageful. They say that when women get depressed, they get sad; guys tend more toward anger. Maybe this explains some of my youthful rage; or maybe I just had a temper.
I don't really have anything to be depressed about: school is on break right now; the grad school process is coming along; I only have one more year left of undergrad; work is fine. I don't have any "romantic" prospects at the moment, but that's probably a good thing. I'll be moving in a year, and I need to be free to go wherever grad school takes me. (I'll be saying the same thing in grad school.)
But that's not how depression works. You just get sad: however well or poorly things are going is irrelevant. There's some little trigger: a wrong word from someone, a stubbed toe, even the proverbial spilt milk can start the spiral. And then I don't know why, but I just keep getting sadder and angrier, until I'm like this:
Barely able to communicate, filled with conflicting feelings: anger, sadness, self-pity, self-judgement, self-disgust, losing control of myself, lethargic yet antsy.
So what is there to do about it, and why am I posting this? To both questions, I say "no idea." 1 - Muddle through, bury my head in some books and movies and see where it comes out. 2 - To get it off my chest, to announce feelings to world in a search for that same temporary catharsis, to get some pity from some other people? Who knows?
At some point, I should be able to afford more professional assistance, but for now, this is all I got. I will, in an effort to be less whiny and more interesting, attempt to occasionally post some thoughts that are less about me and more about... well, anything else. The world, science, space, the meaning of life... all that good stuff.
Until then, play with the fishies at the bottom of the blog.
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