Things are not exactly going my way.

Some things are, just not “things,” in balance.

Things that are going well right now:

• School is progressing steadily and with a plan, and while grad school is still hazy, I have a small list and good options.
• Liesel is living here and that’s fun so far.  I’m sure we’ll annoy each other, but we’re doing well.
• My D&D character looks like he’ll be fun to play. Chris is kind of annoying, but the group as a whole is a fun one.
• I’ve reconnected with Kate, and that makes me happy.  She’s a great person.
• Finally started having limited contact with Jess again, and that’s a good thing.  Although the positive effects are tempered by negative associations with Guinea (see below), I think she’s getting something out of it, and I am too, and that makes me happy.
• The apartment is nice, and feels homey.
• Work is boring, but I can do homework there, and there are some good folks there.  Pay isn’t too bad, either.  Every little bit helps.
• I have good friends, and although none of them is perfect, they help, each in their own way.

So some things aren’t so bad.   My life is not horrible, and I have some good things going for me.  But for whatever reason, either actual or perceived, I can’t get these things out of my mind:

• My heart was just broken.  As cliché as it is, I feel an actual pain – an aching sort of empty feeling – in my chest, just below my sternum.
• I have no goddamned clue how I’m going to afford grad school.  I’m not going to into a field with a high salary, so I don’t want to take on loads more debt, but I don’t really see a way around it, despite my confident talk.  I don’t even know what a fellowship is.
• I un-friended all of the Guinea people on Facebook, and I’ve cut off all communication with all of them.  I don’t want to be reminded of that place, and if I could Eternal Sunshine it out of my mind, I would.
• I fully expect to live my life alone.  My “prospects,” if you’ll excuse the crass term, are all unrealistic or unattainable or just plain out-of-my-league (or some combination thereof).  Also, I don’t see how I can possibly sustain a real relationship without first addressing:
• My morbid depression.  I’m struggling to get up in the morning and go to school and work.  Luckily, I am a creature of habit and that helps me get out of bed.  But I feel like this all of the time and I hate it.  I don’t wish for death, but I wouldn’t kick it out of bed.
• I feel like a confused little boy almost all of the time.

So some things aren't so good.  I hate to whine, or bother or burden, and good lord a blog is not the place to air things like this, and I really don’t want my parents reading this because neither has any idea how to deal with it (though who does, I suppose).  But I need to get this off my chest a little, even if it’s just in this ridiculous forum.

I’m fully aware that many of the things on my “bad” list are things I’ve done to myself, and I look no farther than a mirror when I seek someone to blame.

Perhaps one more list would help, of things I want:

• I want a loving relationship.  As stupid as it sounds, I’m too old to have one-night stands (also too laughably nerdy) or short-term flings.  It’s just not me.  I want someone who will let me love them and will love me back.  But I’m scared of opening myself up like that again.  The first time I ever really opened myself up, I got burned badly.  And I’ve thrown away two relationships that were great for me in the past 4 years, because I was too stupid and immature to deal with them.
• I want to have a good grad school experience.  I want a grad school that will 1) prepare me for work in international development, 2) set me up for employment in said area, 3) be a fun learning environment where I experience a manageable amount of stress, 4) be located near friends or at least be a place where I can make friends.
• I want to really reconnect with Kate, and even though the school is great, the main reason I want to relocate to Los Angeles is her.  She is a great person that really understands me, and has been there for me as much as she has been able.  The reverse is just as true.  I want to be near people with whom I have that kind of connection and understanding.
• I want to stop feeling so sad all the time.  It’s hurting relationships with friends, and makes me snap at family members.  I feel nauseas most days, and I’m always tired.  I need to address this, but there are obstacles.  Not barriers, but obstacles.
• I want a jetpack.
• I want to stop feeling guilty about 1) leaving Erika the way I did, 2) quitting The Container Store the way I did, 3) quitting the Obama campaign the way I did, 4) quitting Peace Corps the way I did, and 5) leaving Jess the way I did.  DOES ANYBODY SEE A FUCKING PATTERN?!
• I want to feel comfortable with my sexuality.
• I want to start exercising again.
• I want more.

All of these things are true, although of course they are not equally weighted.  That is true for all three lists, but especially for this last one.

I’m not particularly adept at peering into my own mind, and I don’t want to try tonight.  This was written in a stream, more of a word-vomit than an essay.  So I’ll apologize for its whiny subject matter, presumably poor grammar, and lack of closure.

Also, while this is somewhat cathartic, when I’m depressed, I prize more than anything my solitude, so please don’t go crazy on me.  I don’t even know if anyone reads this.