Mid-Post Re-Evaluation

What if my best days are really behind me?

I have issues with sadness and regret, with looking back and wishing I could have done things differently (who doesn't?).  I look forward and see things going so well, but they never seem to realize.  I don’t harbor illusions of an easy life, free from hardship and worry, but my continuing visions of how my future should be are never the same as what actually comes to pass.  I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will be as good as I imagine.

So what if Jack had it right? “What is this is as good as it gets?” What if I’ve already had my best days? The thing is, I don’t recall any “best days.” Yes, the bad days are easier to remember than the good ones, and I don’t mean to say that there haven’t been good times, because of course there have been.  But I don’t recall any time when I was really happy with everything going on.  Never has each area of my life been free from big concerns or negatives.  Fiction Plane sings “Everything will never be okay/ there’ll always be some part of you in pain” but does this have to be true? Can’t everything go well at once, at least for a little while?

I just sketched out my next big bullshit plan, and it just seems like a pointless exercise.  These things aren’t going to happen the way I think, and the idea of a plan seems increasingly ridiculous.

Hang on hang on hang on.  I’m talking about two different things, I think.  One, I’m letting myself wallow in a depressive state wherein my malfunctioning brain is trying to convince itself that life is going to get worse and worse every waking minute.  If I continually think that the best days are in the past, then that’s the logical conclusion. Two, I’m lamenting the fact that the future is unknowable.  Of course it is!  It’s the future!  My plans may wind up (and history shows that this is true) as bullshit, but the question remains of whether or not I should continue to make them.  It seems to me, on first blush, that to have a direction is a good thing, even if that direction may change a thousand times in the uncertain future.  So I’ll continue to make plans, perhaps trying to become less emotionally attached to them, treating them more as rough outlines than the Blueprint for the Rest of My Life.  Third (yes, there are three now), I was bitching that I can’t remember nor conceive of a time when my life had all its ducks in a row.  Well…the only response I can have to that is…waaah.  No shit and oh well, ya big crybaby.

Well, this was awfully cathartic.  I feel much better now, thanks!

Music: From (at the beginning) The Vines' "Winning Days" to (at the end) "Rock With Me" (but i'm embedding the above Fiction Plane song, 'cause it's great)